Houston just handcuffed the LeBronsters and we’re going to get started any minute here! We’ve got Kevin Harlan and Doug Collins calling the action tonight. Man I can’t wait! I had this date circled from the very beginning looking forward to seeing Raja Bell get booed heavily, Boris Diaw get his triple double, Steve Nash dribble circles around everybody like Cousy, Barbosa prove he’s the fastest man on the court, Amare finish at the rim like the beast he is, and watch Marion pick up all the garbage and get his 20 and 10. What do you mean this isn’t 2006?
The starting lineup for the suns tonight is full people who were known for playing elsewhere. Leandro is the only holdover and he’ll be starting at guard. Wisconsin’s Big Ten Player of the Year Alando Tucker is the other guard. Orlando Magic and Los Angeles Lakers and Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal will jump the tip off. Former Duke Blue Devil and Detroit Piston Grant Hill starts at small forward. And Golden State’s Jason Richardson starts at the other small forward. It’s just like the Wishbone formation ladies and gents! So crazy it just might work. I’d say this lineup bears watching, if only because it’s going to get more absurd as the subs you’ve never heard of check into the game.
Lakers will start the same five they’ve been starting for a while. The one that, you know, wins games.
Thank goodness no one has played up the Kobe vs. Shaq angle for this game. Doug Collins doesn’t even mention it before tip-off.
I gotta say, I like that the Lakers are wearing warmup jackets as of late, as opposed to shooting shirts. There are three teams who should ALWAYS be wearing shooting jackets. Lakers, Boston Celtics, and Detroit Pistons. Everyone else is welcome to ditch them or keep them as they please.
11:20 – Kobe’s favoring his post-up moves and jumpers lately. He combines them both and goes to the turnaround jumper in the low post. Wet.
10:49 – PHX 0, LAL 2 – Déjà vu. Same play except Tucker gets caught up in the air and Kobe earns a trip to the line where he deposits one of two free throws. Something that I don’t really get, if the Suns want to go back to SSOL after just 4 months, why in the world did they release the coach that perfected it?
9:41 – 2, 7 – Shaq establishes himself underneath the basket and Gasol proves helpless to uproot a 5000-pound body and Shaq slams the ball home.
8:30 – 7, 11 – Barbosa waltzes his way to a free layup after intercepting a kobe pass.
8:02 – 9, 11 – A little razzle dazzle with some man sauce on top! Barbosa runs the break and drops a beautiful behind the back dime to Richardson who absolutely crushes the ball through the hoop denting the floor. The towel guys can be seen trying to spackle the floor after that one. The game is all tied up. Staples Center is buzzinggggggggg. Stevie Nash enjoyed that one.
7:03 – 14, 13 – Kobe and Pau both watch Richardson dribble hard to the baseline and give up an uncontested reverse layup. Perhaps ‘help right’ sounds a lot like ‘help left’ when Pau puts his Spanish accent on it.
6:05 – 18, 17 – Kobe watches Tucker go baseline and again gets no help. Same result as before. Dear Kobe, feel free to provide a slight bit of resistance when they go to the bucket. I understand that expending too much energy doesn’t look cool but you’ve taken that idea a little too far. Your friend, nomuskles. “Wow, these are a lot damper than I expected.”
5:10 – 20, 20 – Mismatch. Somehow the extra tall Fisher ended up guarding the diminutive
Richardson. This led to a foul when the double team came.
4:42 – 20, 20 – With ZBo’s punching bag checking in (Ahmandson), the Suns are going small and Lamar makes them pay. Pau finds him underneath the basket with a great seal on Richardson and he dunks it home.
4:08 – 20, 22 – The Suns use the TFSOL (Twenty-Four seconds or less) technique and come up dry.
3:33 – 20, 24 – Kobe’s really been developing that fadeway lately. The only thing I don’t think is good is he doesn’t square up his shoulders to take it. But hey, you can’t argue too heavily with results. The ball drops through like it was destined for such a fate from the time it was still a cow.
2:35 – 20, 28 – Lakers don’t seem too interested in this one as they allow the Suns to tap the ball around the basket multiple times before JRich puts it in. A bunch of yellow jerseys take notes on their moleskin notepads. I believe I spot the words, “I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?” on Odom’s.
2:07 – 22, 30 – Lakers get a steal in the backcourt and Kobe finishes with a beautiful finger roll up and under. He’s been the Lakers main threat so far.
1:44 – 22, 32 – An audible “whoa” escapes my lips as Matt Barnes throws up an aesthetically offensive shot that grazes the rim and catches Shaq’s hands by surprise. Shaq travels his way to a turnover underneath the bucket. In his excitement he forgot that a pivot foot needs to remain stationary. Honest mistake.
1:35 – 22, 34 – BOOSTIES! Kobe gives a great pass to Jordan (Farmar, not Michael) for the backside alley-oop.
0:49 – 22, 34 – two men who went to UCLA and have tattoos on their neck face off (Ariza vs. Barnes). No real idea there, I just thought that was an interesting juxtaposition.
0:38 – 24, 34 – He’s old, not dead. Farmar challenges Shaq and Shaq brushes his shot aside. Farmar decides to take his shot from outside after the inbounds and hits a three. Much better young’n.
0:15 – 24, 37 – you know what you definitely want on your last possession? Your young point guard to throw the ball away and let the other team run the other way for a fast break layup. Dragic might be a bit shaky. Okay, nevermind, the next time down he hits a nice 17 footer near the end of the quarter.
I just read Watchmen the graphic novel, and that commercial makes me want to see the movie. It was relatively action-less in printed form, but for the silver screen it looks like they’ve upped the number of explosions by a factor of 26. Count me in. Who doesn’t want to watch a big blue man walk around in a speedo?
11:40 – 26, 39 – Ariza drills his three and Jared Dudly answers back with a three of his own. Mbenga is in the game. What’s the chance he jiu jitsu’s someone? Is that even a verb?
10:54 – 29, 44 – Barnes throws up his second “whoa” of the night, in a bad way.
10:00 – 29, 48 – As great as Grant hill is, he can’t really guard Mbenga in the post. Mbenga shows off his turnaround jumper off the glass. The bank is open.
9:25 – 29, 48 – Matt Barnes goes for the hattrick! He looks to posterize Mbenga on a fastbreak dunk and Mbenga just turns him away like a bouncer at a nightclub. “I’m sorry sir, your ID says you are a baller. I don’t allow fake IDs in my club.” Barbosa cleans up the rebound and lays it in.
Great insight into Gentry boosting the confidence of Dragic telling the young man, “I don’t care how many mistakes you make as long as you play with confidence… You’re a pro, you’re here. Just go out there and play.”
7:20 – 37, 50 – Lakers run the unconventional fast break. I guess they are trying out the A-11 offense too. Two on One fast break and Farmar has the ball. Instead of Vujacic making the run towards the hoop to take the ball to the bucket, he runs away from the basket and takes a 17 foot jumper/leaner on the baseline. He hits it anyway. Know your strengths, I guess. Also, with 52 points and 7:18 left in the 2nd Quarter, you might surmise this will be a high-scoring first half. I’m certainly not going to complain about that.
6:18 – 39, 52 – What? The Machine can dunk?? He jams one home on the fastbreak created by stifling defense that led to a turnover. I sort of assumed he couldn’t because he hasn’t done it in forever. By the way, worst gimmick ever is Sasha’s headband watch on his website. I’m boycotting noticing the color or thickness of his headband. If you asked me what color his headband was tonight, I’d have to say, ‘I don’t know, but that is a disallowed question because I’m opposed to stupid gimmicks.
5:30 – 41, 54 – This third unit of the Lakers is getting sucked into a track meet and it’s working for them as the Suns aren’t converting their offensive opportunities. There was just a string of three or four consecutive turnovers by the teams.
Oh. Just kidding. Turner Sports can’t resist. A montage of the shaq and kobe meetings post-trade. Why why why?? No one cares.
4:00 – 43, 60 – Adam Morrison is in there. He is not quick on defense. He is obviously a step behind knowing where he needs to be but he’ll benefit from being out ther with Kobe, Fisher and Odom. The camera shows Gentry wiping his face, trying to figure out how his team ended up in such a big hole.
2:42 – 45, 64 – Sideshow Bob ver 2.0 (or is it 3.0?) shows off his garbage collecting abilities and dunks it.
0:33 – 52, 69 – Shannon Brown subs into the game. I’m hoping for another crazy block. Lakers go four down for Fisher to close the quarter. He creates off the dribble and throws up a right hand runner across the lane. No good. Also, no blocks by Brown. Lakers up by 15, 55-70. That’s an astronomical number of points. If I were John Madden I would say “The team that scores the most points is going to win the game and the Lakers are scoring a lot of points.” Marc Jackson would say, “This Lakers team is soft but the Suns are soft. Good offense beats good defense.”
“16 points at halftime doesn’t mean anything.” –Alvin Gentry, Rhodes Scholar.
11:50 – PHX 55, LAL 70 – Lakers start it off right with a Gasol alley-oop.
10:55 – 58, 72 – Gasol takes a jumper from the elbow and then he takes a shot to the nether regions by Grant Hill. Hilarious for everyone not named Pau Gasol as he who is named Gasol grabs himself in pain.
8:30 – 63, 80 – After some good offensive possessions by the Lakers and poor execution by the Suns, the suns are forced to call timeout when Fisher drains a wide-open three ball. 63-83 is an absurd score for this point in the game. If the Lakers take this big of a lead into the fourth quarter, the broom wagon lineup will come in and depress the final score, but they are on a cosmic pace.
8:00 – 65, 83 – More fadeaway action from the MVP.
7:25 – 65, 85 – Kobe shows great patience in not forcing the play. Luke had a mismatch and Kobe tells him to setup in the midpost. Luke creates a great opportunity for Pau who get fouled and hits one of two from the line.
7:00 – 68, 86 – The nicely palindromic score doesn’t last long as Gasol flashes to the weakside elbow and Kobe from the strongside post whirls around and gets the alley-oop. It was a great looking sequence that taller teams committed defense wouldn’t allow.
4:54 – 69, 92 – Shaq and Grant Hill are subbed out at this point and the Suns just threw in the towel. Here at the nomuskles cave, we’re also going to throw in the towel. Seriously the Lakers were just too much for an injury-stricken Suns team still finding their way. Now I understand why Brett Pollakoff didn’t really give us any insight into the Suns’ strengths right now. They just aren’t comfortable in their own skin right now and the Lakers are too long and too skilled. There’s nothing they could’ve done tonight so I don’t think they’ll put too much into it. And…scene. Dolla dolla bills y’all.